Hagrid Shows Harry Potter A Cat
by sickdabs420
Summary: Hagridge tells Harry and Malfoy to go down to his hut for a suprise, what could it be!
1. Chapter 1: A Kitten!

Harry potter and Drago Malfoy went down to Hagrid's house after Hagrid sent Harry an owl that say "Deer Harry, this is me! Hagrad! Quick! quickly Harry! Come see this thing!" Harry didn't know what Hagrid was taking about and Malfoy was just there as punichment for being a bleech blond little shit but Hary was excited mone the less. Harry get down to house. He sees Hargridge with his back turned. "Hey you, Hagrid, hi," say Harry and Hagrigde said with his magic but Scottish accent

"H'ry m'boii, c'mere 'n look'it mah new li'l cat!"

"what in tar nashun" say Drago.

"I SAID" say hargrid with a bellowing happy voice "I got m'self a li'l teensie wee babeh kit'n, looks like a sack'o shite but purrs like a feckin tractor i do declare child"

Malfoyl was like "wat"

Harry look at Malfoy and say "he said he adopted a kitten" and well sure enough there was a really ugly kitten inside Hagrids animal pen. It wasn't magic or anything. Just a uggo cat

hagrad just thought it would be nice to have a kitten even if it was a total eye soar.


	2. Chapter 2: Oh Noes Moar Kittens

" _Harry m'boii come back down 2 me hut, I got sumthin to show ya's. dinny u be late mah favorite cunt. Love Hagride."_

Harry Potter put down the note and say "hmm, what could it be?" This time Draco Malfoy was in class so he went all alone by hisself. He skip class and go to see Hargrard.

Fang open the door wearing a apron. He was making tea. Everyone decide the dog can make better tea than Hagrid. So Fangs pour harry a cup and say "please sit harry."

Harry say "Hargid, what you make me come down here for mate? I got class. Actyaly is fine, it's professor Trilawny's class and she's nutter butters."

"AYE, but y'shouldn't've skipp'd class m'mate, but WHO CARES, I got meself anudder kitten, I did, boyo!"

"You did?" ask Harry.

"FIVE in fact!" answered Hargrid as he empty out a sack of all sorts of different cats.

Haryy sigh and say "Hargid I love you but that's too many kittens."

"NO" say Hargid. "NO, No. Wrong."


	3. Chapter 3: Kittens in the larder

Harry was chillin in his bed in the grifinder tower when hedgewigdge come thru the window with an letter. Harry take it and open it. It say, _"Harry this is Hagar, pls come down to hut, I got something to show you boi. Thx."_

Harry growl. "NO!" exclaim, "NO NOT THIS AGAIN. "

Harry say, "I need a voice of reason." he leave the boys room and go into the kitchen where Hermine is telling a house elf to quit there job and move to Jamayca or Hawaii.

"Hermine I need your help, Hagarid keeps collecting kittns and he won't stop."

Hermine say "magical kittens?" Harry answer "No, just normal ones."

Ron appear and say ,"So the kittens are squibs?"

Harry say "No just regular old kittens"

Hermine say "Yeah just regular ones"

Ron was like "But if they can't do magics then their squib kittens."

"No," say Hermine, "in order for kittens to be considered squibs, one must assume that _Felis Catus_ are capable of magic as a species. Because such a species, commonly known as the domestic cat, possesses no trace of magics, kittens can not be considered squibs in the first place."

Ron smile. "Squib-kens."

"Wat?" say Hermine.

And ron say "we should call them squib-kins. Like squib kittens."

Haragard burst forth from the pots and pans, pots and pans flying everywhere and say "aye ye stupid lil' feckin shites, yer conversation took so long me beard grew three inches, it did, and also I walked all the way here!"

"I hope you not bring cats" say harry

Harag say "OF KORSE I BROGHT THE LIL' ASSHOLE ARE YE DAFT?! THAT'S WHAT ME WHOLE LETTER WAS ABOOT WASN'T IT O DARE I SAY, WHY, YES, I SAY."

He dump out a nother sack of kittens, plus the kittens he had a the hut before, plus that one uggo one from his pen.

"Cute" say Hermine, "what they names?"

"Nuggets, Fonzo, finn, Harry Jr, Larry Jr, Hairy Jr with a I instead of a A, Lil' Shite Biscuit, Cat Kitterson Attornee at Paw, and Nuggetz II."

"That's one too many cats," said Harry

Hargarid almost smash harry over the face. "And yer parents had one too many kids but here we are, Harry. Here we are."


	4. Chapter 4: This Can Not Keep Happening

Hi everyone it sickdabs420 AKA Gary. I got my first revew! I will try hard to improve grammer and spelling, and thank my revewer for the complament and critasizm. I appreciate it because I want to be a better writer. Please enjoy chapter 4 of Hargard's cats!

" _Dear Harry, g'day m'boii, it's a me, Hagarid! Come down to the-"_

"NO" say Harry, "NO, THIS HAS TO STOP LIKE YESTERDAY"

"Harry" say Hermine with concern inside her voice, "calm down."

"NO" say Harry, "NO LIKE I SAY AGAIN AND AGAIN MY FRIEND HAGARID HAVE TOO MANY CATS. ITS TOO MANY HERMINE."

Hermine put down her knitting and get all frowny-face at Harry.

"Harry" say Hermine, "cats make Hargridge happy. Kind of how getting into too much truble make YOU happy."

"Truble rocks" say Ron.

"Ron, tell harry that Hargrid can have some cats" insist the Hermine.

Ron sigh and agree because he wants to kiss Hermine really, really bad. "Yeah, let the Scot have his dumb cats."

"NO!" say Harry, "NO, THE ISSUE ISN'T THAT HE HAS CATS, IT IS THAT HE HAS TOO MANY OF THEM. HE NEEDS CATS. OK?"

"Harry," say Hermine, "you're talking in all caps again."

"NHGHHH, AGH!" scream Harry, obviously fed up with the cats and not remembering how to talk to his frends in lower case letters.

Hagrad burst in and shout, "Harry, Ron, Hermine, m'laddies! What yer problem is mate-Os?! My hut's too peasantly for yeh?! EH?!"

"No, it is not that" anser Hermine, "is just that Harry thinks-"

"YOU HAVE TOO MANY CATS" interrupt Harry.

Hargard look harry dead in his soulless, cat-hating eyes and say "Harry, what house are yeh in?"

"GRIFFINDER" say harry

"Right and what animal is Griffinder?" ask Hargard.

"A GRIFFIN."

"Right. And what's a Griffin?"

"A EAGLE AND A LION, BUT HARGID A LION IS NOT A HOUSE CAT YOU CAN'T JUST-"

"Oh I fink I can m'boi I FINK I CAN!" and just like that Hagrid empty out another sack and a kitten come out, and it has wings.

"NO!" cry harry. He begin to sob. "NO HARGARD WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS I AM JUST A KID, I JUST WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL HERE WITHOUT ANY OF THIS HAPPENING ITS NOT FAIR"

Hargrid laugh and pet the kitten with wings. It purr. Even Ron go aww, it's just that cute. It was a little tabby kitty and its wings were also striped. It give a blep.

"Aw look, blep!" say Hermine.

Harry drop to the floor and sob.

"Accept the kittens Harry," insist Hagrid. "There all kinds of cats out there and we are just gettin' warmed up you pale, pale orphan child."


	5. Chapter 5: the kitten war begins

Alright now listen here" say Harry. 3 months pass since last time. "We must stop this evil once in four all! That is why i invite you all to the room of reqirement."

"Yes let us defeat the dark Lord" say Neville and Ron, Hermine, Loona agree.

"Wot? NO" say Harry, "NO. We are here because Hagrid has too many cats"

Hermione look like she going to murder Harry. "But Harry, he who should not be named is far more important than-"

"NO" say Harry "NO you don't understand. Look at this letter."

Harry slam down letter on table.

"Harry this written in parcil tong"

"It's actually welsh" say Loona

"It's the same thing and you know it!" say Hermine

Harry said "shut up. The letter says: dear Harry, It's me, Voldemort. I'm trying real hard to ruin your childhood but i keep tripping over all these cats. Please make it stop so i can end you and make Hogwarts great again. Love voldarlmort."

"Mate" say ronald "are you saying you rather fight Hagrid then Voldemort?"

"Yes."

"But Harry!" ex claim hermine, "your putting us all at risk! You would sooner send us off to battle against the dark Lord than-"

"We're fighting Hagrid." said Harry. "It's happ'nin woman. Get ready. Hagrid has an army."

"Of cats?" ask Loona

"I like cats tho..." sad nevill.

Harry look into every ones eyes with burning rage and say-

Then before he say anything Hedwig fly in and drop a letter. It said:

"Harry m'boii it is I, Hargridge of the cat people. Ye dinny stand a feckin chance you whiny shite. Everyone LOVES cats. Besides, ya fight me, ya fight mac gono gall."

"Fuck" say Harry. "I didn't think of that. He keep reading.

"Professor micGonagal say if you fight my cats she gonna take 100 points from griffinder. And fer every point you lose I'm gonna adopt me anudder cat. You can't win boy. Give up."

"NO" say Harry. "No. This not over Hagrid."

"Stop talking to a letter" say Ron "you look dumb."


	6. Chapter 6: That mysterious meowing

Harry sits in his class. He can hear the ticking of the magical clock. Tick tick tick. Every tick sound like meow meow meow.

"AaaAAAGGHHhh" Harry shout loud.

The whole potion class look at him funny.

Harry say: "i can't take it anymore! Even the clock sounds like a effing cat!"

Professor Snapes look at Harry and say "That's not the clock, Mr. Potter...it's Professor Mac Gonigal."

Harry look over to the desk next to him and see professor mcGonigle as a cat. She look at Harry disappointed with her cat face and her tail get all swishy.

Snape sigh. "Ten points from Griffinder for not knowing the difference between a clock and a cat."

Harry eyes get wide and he harumph. He damn well knows the difference dang it. He's 13.


	7. Chapter 7: eff this

Harry stop talking to Hagrid. They couldn't be friends any more. Harry go to Madim Pomfree and say "I am allergic to cats" in hopes Hagard get rid of them. But the nurse do a allergy panel and the only thing he is allergic to is his parents being alive.

Harry try to forget about Hagrid. It was hard though. as the months pass and the weather hottens Harry go down the coradore and hear Fred and gorge saying funny stuff about how much pussy Hagarid is getting these days.

Harry can't even look at his friends anymore so he start consentrating in potions class. He start getting A's. Snap see that Harry isn't failing any more and isn't as big of a ass and he start to worry for the boy

Harry go outside one day for Kwiditch and he can't find Madime Hootch . instead, There is Hagrid and he has all his cats lined up.

"Okay lil' wee kitters, mount yer brooms!"

The cats all meow and meow. They wear oversized witch and wizard hats. All the students even Malfoye all stand around and talk about how cute they are. All the kittens start to swoooosh arond on there huge brooms.

Harry turn around. He walk out into the Fourbidden woods. "Fuck no"say Harry who decide he gonna just be a forest hobo.


	8. Chaptar 8: Harry returns And hates it

Harry lived in the woods for about 6 months living off the wild berries and eating sqirles. He start to forget what civilization is like. Some times he get invited to a centor dinner but the centors have shit food, like veggie lasania.

Harry begin to forget human speech. Harry just live in a cave and eat forest garbage and grunt with nature to comunicate.

Finally one day there is a damemtor in the forest It Chase Harry all the way to the Hogwarts castle.

Harry bursted in through the potions room. He was breathing really really hard.

Snaps dropped his potion and gasp. "Poter..." he say, honestly kind a impressed he live that long with out adults or hygene.

Harry look around the room and see ron, Hermine, Drago, and many cats

"FUCK" say Harry who suddenly remember how to talk

Harry storm down to Hagrid hut all scrunchy face and red. He bang on the door. When Hahridge open it Harry stammered and stared with his jaw on the floor.

"Ohayo, Harry-kun, m'boii!" Hagrid kawaiied at Harry. He wore a pair of neko ears and has on a fur suit Harry can only presume is made from real cats.

"Fuck" Harry repeat and remember why he left. The demantor was still chasing Harry But when it see Hagrid it stop and turn around and go back to Askabajn where it is safe.

"Hagrid why?" ask Harry.

"BAKA" declare Hagrid. "Orphan otaku, this castle belong to the cats now!"

"That doesn't explain why your a weeb" said Harry.

"At least I have a pillow ter love me, boy. What have you got? Not parents."

Harry frown and go back to the forest.


	9. Chapter 9: Scheming

Harry start raising his own army to fight the cats. Hermine make Dumbaldoor's Army which was supposed to be for fighting Voldeymort but now instead it's to stop Harry from destroying Hogwarts. Voldarmort still want to fight Harry but he send him a letter instead. It said:

Harry this is me, Lord Voldemort. I ask your mail be sent to the tree stump - - ya know the one you pee on. I know coz it smell like piss and the other forest creatures hate you for having smelly piss. Anyway how are you? I'm not real good because I can't reach you because THE SCOT HAS TOO MANY CATS. Pls respond thx. Love voldermerty.

Harry write back :

I know i HATE that guy? Who does he think he is? We should team up and stop him.

PS. Stay away from my piss tree, that's mine, you can tell by all my piss.

Sinserly Harry Poter

Voldemort write back:

Meet me at the mall at 6pm.

Harry go to the mall that was by his house on Privvit drive. He hang out and go to Spencer Gifts. He looked at all the wands and pick one up. It was pink. "Expecto portonum!" he shout and the wand start to vibrate.

"That's a vibrator" say Voldermort coming up behind him

Harry gasp and drop it. "Why you sneaky bruh?!"

Voldemort shrug. "I'm a slytherin. That's what we do. We slither...in! Now shaddup let's get a mall pretzel and scheme!"


	10. Chapter 10: happy life

Harry waked up and lit up a cigarette still in bed. He took a long drag and blow out his smokes.

"Babe" says Voldermort "I keep asking you to go outside, your smoke wakes me up"

Harry glare at Voldemort "shut up toots. This is New york, i smoke where I want. You don't tell Harry the Knife Porter what to do Babe"

Voldemort look sad and say in caushon "I-I-I was just asking..."

"Get used to it" said Harry. "You still act like it's 10 years ago when we ran away from Hogwarts and got married. Im not a wizard anymore darlin I'm a street thug. Now make me breakfast bitch".

Voldemort start to cry. "Think of our child, Harry..."

"VOLDER MORT I KNOW DAM WELL HE ISNT MY CHILD, WE ARE TWO MEN, IT DOESNT WORK LIKE THAT YOU LIAR!"

Harry slam a nightstand off the table and light the curtains on fire with his magic

"Stop!" yell Voldy "the ministry will find out!"

"Fuck da ministry!" yell out Harry all mad.

"Harry please..."

Harry get all angry in the face and his eyebrows go down madder and madder. "I never should have bought you that mall pretzel."

"You...you don't mean that!"

Harry was about to say 'uh yeah i do slut" but in walk a little boy who look suspish like someone Harry know.

"Daddy Voldy Daddy Harry wot is goin on mate?"

Voldemort pick up the child. "Is okay Steve, daddy harry just needs to 'slither-in' to time out! Ha ha!"

Harry grumble and under breath say "I'll slither in to your mom."


	11. Chapter 11: Harry: the returned man

Harry maked out the check and put it into the mail. It said "child support for Steve." Harry sigh and put on the stamp and send it off. He have a tiny little apartpment in Brook lyn. His ex Voldermort move with little baby Steve all the way to LA to make it big, and Harry lost custody.

Harry lie awake at night and look at the cieling, with some random girl nekkid in his bed. "I shud have stayed in school and not done drugs" he whisper. But harry DID do the drugs. And he DID NOT stay in school even tho a shitty mascot warned him about the dangers of drugs and alkohol. Harry potter didn't listen tho, he just drank whiskie and did black meth ice out of a hot spoon.

Next day, he get a owl at the window and a letter from baby Steve. "Dad, we ' ve gone over this a million times i'm not a kid anymore, I am in college."

Harry blink. Oh god. Where the time go? How old was steve? He loo kinto his reflection and realize he is old. He does not have friends any more. Where is his sweet Voldy?

Harry get on skype and call him. Voldermort answered. "Oh, it's you. Look I cant really talk right now, I'm the dean of hogwarts and Umrigde and hermine are hanging out with me, we're at a cool party, you weren't invited because LA is too cool for you."

Harry gaspded.

"I told you I would make it big and become leader of Hogwarts and get a big mansion with a pool with all these death eaters."

Harry dry swallow. "But…hermine?"

Hermine take off her top and go "woooo" and shake her breasts, there were death eater snake tattooos all over her.

"Oh Christ " say harry and start to cry. "Have I seriously been doing black meth this whole time?"

"Yeah man," said Voldy. "Shit's bad for you."

Just then there is a knock at the door and harry turn off skype. He open it and cant believe his own two eyes. So he put his glasses on. But even THEN he STILL can't even believe! It's…!

"M'boi…" say Hagrid. There were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of cats behind him decked out in full military gear. He look right into harry face and say… "Lad. It's time."


End file.
